If You Want To Be Cool–Be Ready To Die For It! Slit your own throat! Do it! Not if you are under 18.

I think Desi Arnaz was the one who came up with syndication. It’s a good idea, you can reuse & recycle. You can gain a sort of useless form of immortality. Why, if you come up with a terrific idea, your intellectual property can sort of rule the world.

That’s just what we did here. Be different. Put off quitting smoking. Put off buying a cell phone upgrade. Put off fixing a leaking roof.

Just put off everything, except the IRS. That idea would be really bad, expensive. You don’t want that.

So, get ready, take that first puff–do it slowly, and put it off as long as you can, before you slit your throat.

If you are under 18, ask parental permission to get fake blood, and make sure you clean up the floor after it’s over–THERE WILL BE FAKE BLOOD!

CLICK & DRAG THAT FIRST CIGARETTE THAT YOU WANTED TO DO WHEN IN 4th GRADE…

…BUT WERE AFRAID YOU’D GET IN TROUBLE IN SCHOOL FOR SLITTING YOUR OWN THROAT!

Premature Death of Hostess: Or I Am A TWINKIE ZOMBIE?

Just a few, short months ago–union workers were blamed for the demise of Hostess. I needed them for Glen Acornn, who is sort of like Pandas who can only eat bamboo shoots. Glen Acorrn can only eat Twinkies, it’s the only source of nutrition his fragile inner-ecosystem can tolerate. With any other food, let us gloss over this part. Let’s just say, it’s not a pretty journey!

Now, on to topics that would not cause me a scolding from Miss Manners. You see, the whole Twinkie/Hostess hostage thing was totally rigged. In that respect it’s like going to college, getting a good job, and buying a house. You can’t do any of these things any more in America, not legally. It used to be a mantra: “To get a good job, get a good education.” That turned out to be a load of crap, worse than any non-Hostess product would cause Mr Acorrn to produce, or outsource. You can’t afford to go to a good college. If you do go to any college, you won’t find work in the area you studied–so, enter as a data entry operator, with some other name, get paid low wages (I forgot Walmart is an option for some), and be willing to work 12 hour days, with no time & a half. Buy a house, you will find out that (1) you can’t keep up the payment. And (2) if you live there for a while, and try to sell it, you won’t be able to fetch the remaining costs of the house. Forget about any profit on the house thing, that’s no longer part of the American way, unless you are already rich.

So, back to Twinkies, they are back! You can get them @ Safeway or other fine supermarkets, and they have a longer shelf life, longer than ever, so I have read. If I had only been clever enough to buy a gross of them, froze the damned things, I might have made enough to get myself in debt for a house payment. But, alas, I did not think of this.

Tell you this, they don’t taste as good as the pre-bankruptcy ones did. And the ones that we had back when I was a mere wisp of a lad, tasted even better than the pre-bankruptcy ones. Perhaps, all that was because my taste buds were underdeveloped, or maybe they had not refined the preservatives, and preservatives before the British Invasion were more flavourful? I don’t know, can only speculate about these horribly scientific matters.

For now, they are back, you can eat them while you still have a desktop computer with Windows, or your mobile device actually starts calling you on its own, and you no long know anyone off-line, your life is virtual–no more real-time–now, get to eating!

THEY ARE BACK–THE ZOMBIE FOOD GROUP HAS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD!

They are back–Risen from the dead! Sate your inner vampire! Eat them!

Can’t they bring back Woolworth & Pan Am? Nuns? Catholic schools? Connie Francis?

HAPPY ST. PATRICK’S INEVITABLE DAY!

Wishing you all a Happy St Patrick’s Day From Glenn Acornn–someone found him in an alley & got him in rehab.