Princess Melita Bonaparte Lap Dances Way To Infamy

Her Imperial Highness, not at all to our surprise, has sunk to a new low. She now adds #LAPDANCING to her resume, and is not in the least ashamed of it.

What good is Royalty anyway, if they, at the very least, can’t act “Royal?” The Bonaparte Princess of the Imperial line has the audacity to be ‘in negotiations’ with the government of Serbia, in an effort to ‘offer her services’ as their first #QueenRegnant.

In her spare time, she lap dances, shamelessly, upsetting the social order. The most recent Lap Dance caper was pulled just last night @ Fork Cafe, 469 Castro Street. She was supposed to be there to honour Julie Newmar, not to promote her own laughable & pathetic career. Here we have proof that she knocked food from the Laps of Patrons & gave them her unasked-for version of a Lap Dance. Now, we understand why Peaches Christ has refused to consider her for SHOWGIRLS. The resulting photograph shows how low a person can go when entering the VALLEY OF THE DOLLS. The poor guests who had expected to be there to meet & greet the stars of SIXTEEN CANDLES & JULIE NEWMAR, were subjected to filth from Princess Melita Bonaparte. Today, she is expected to reprise her silly role as “THE HOT COP OF THE CASTRO”–it’s always at the expense of someone else, she pulls her capers.

Unroyally employed as a NON-UNION #LAPDANCER, Princess Melita Bonaparte not only brings disgrace to the House of Bonaparte & all other Royal Families, but takes away job opportunities from those who have trained diligently with such renowned institutions such as the San Francisco Ballet for the few #Lapdance jobs that are left.  "I don't care, I deserve to have fun, " was all the Princess would say when asked by reporting staff to justify her undignified behaviour.

Unroyally employed as a NON-UNION #LAPDANCER, Princess Melita Bonaparte not only brings disgrace to the House of Bonaparte & all other Royal Families, but takes away job opportunities from those who have trained diligently with such renowned institutions such as the San Francisco Ballet for the few #Lapdance jobs that are left. “I don’t care, I deserve to have fun,” was all the Princess would say when asked by reporting staff to justify her undignified behaviour.

Melita Fashionista: How An Imperial Princess Puts A Face On Fashion!

Her Imperial Highness is no dummy when it comes to fashion, understanding that individual style is much more important than keeping up with the latest runway collection. But there is a blandness about models & manniquins that the Princess finds very upsetting.

“It hurts to see that our uniqueness as people is not given the credit it needs. So, I decided to put a face on fashion, mine!” Thus, it is that Princess Melita Bonaparte, the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, has now entered the world of haute couture simply by being a model herself, not charging a thing for her services.

“I just want people everywhere to know that they can be somebody, and how better to express this concept than by being a model for various clothing lines? It is a wonderful project that I hope will bring joy to millions who don’t know how to become computer programmers. Just be beautiful and let others take your photograph! It’s harder work than you may think,” declares the Princess.

The charm of song lyrics about San Francisco appeal to the Princess, & she readily agreed to participate in this project.

The charm of song lyrics about San Francisco appealed to the Princess, & she readily agreed to participate in this project. “I particularly enjoyed the use of calligraphy as part of the design,” explained the Most Beautiful Woman in the World, PRINCESS MELITA BONAPARTE.

"Retaining my connection to the Emperor Napoleon & our Bonaparte heritage, gets me all excited," the Princess breathed heavily to us whilst being interviewed.  Her Imperial Highness is the Mistress of Multi-Task, being photographed & interviewed @ the same time!

“Retaining my connection to the Emperor Napoleon & our Bonaparte heritage, gets me all excited,” the Princess breathed heavily to us whilst being interviewed. Her Imperial Highness is the Mistress of Multi-Task, being photographed & interviewed simultaneously!

"I felt so very lucky to have the best hair dresser & photographer possible.  It was important to me to have the highest production values possible. I wanted a different look for each set of garments," Her Imperial Highness told us.

“I felt so very lucky to have the best hair dresser & photographer possible. It was important to me to have the highest production values possible. I wanted a different look for each set of garments,” Her Imperial Highness told us.

"It was all new to me," explained the Princess.   "I must admit, by the end of the day, I was exhausted.  Being a perfectionist, I had thousands of 'takes' before carefully choosing the right one.  I lost so much weight. I think I got down to 93 pounds & still felt fat."   Here the Princess in seen with a Belgian lace veil, an accessory she insisted was in keeping with her Mediterranean heritage.

“It was all new to me,” explained the Princess.
“I must admit, by the end of the day, I was exhausted. Being a perfectionist, I had thousands of ‘takes’ before carefully choosing the right one. I lost so much weight. I think I got down to 93 pounds & still felt fat.” Here the Princess in seen with a Belgian lace veil, an accessory she insisted was in keeping with her Mediterranean heritage.

“My hope in doing this was to help raise awareness of the need to Restore the Greek Monarchy. I want to help pave the way for their return to their rightful place in Greek history & culture. They should not be relegated to antiquity.”Princess Melita Bonaparte: THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD.

The True Fact: Princess Melita Bonaparte is ABOVE Such Problems

Common people have stink problems & Her Imperial Highness does see the need for government assistance, and has appealed to all Royal Houses of Europe, Africa, Asia, and Greenland to help those who stink.

“I know nothing of such matters, myself, but feel obligated to help those who do,” the Imperial Princess told us at press time.

“This might be the key to world peace, and I am willing to give it a try. Thus far, all other efforts have stank, and I think there ought to be a better way of doing business.” With that, we have now heard from Princess Melita Bonaparte.

Always ahead of the Game of Thrones, sound advise about smelly politics from one who is above such matters--Princess Melita Bonaparte, The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

Always ahead of the Game of Thrones, sound advise about smelly politics from one who is above such matters–Princess Melita Bonaparte, The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

And now, a word from Her Sponsors:

You Tube About How to Rid the World of Stink

UGANDA HAS NOW OUTLAWED ALL RABBITS! INVITING TEA PARTY MEMBERS TO SPECIAL SIGNING CEREMONY FOR NEW LAW!!!!

Wishing to make their stand perfectly clear in a world that hops from issue to issue, the government of Uganda (may we point out that Uganda is not a Monarchy?) has told Princess Melita Bonaparte that the assassination attempt on her life on Christmas Day 2013 was entirely her fault, that she brought it on herself by being a person who has no appropriate identity & who is ‘intrinsically disordered.’ Therefore, they have decided to issue a warrant for the destruction of all rabbits, being afraid & concerned that there could very well be a rabbit uprising any day now.

Rabbits, it seems, have taken over Australia, and the government of Uganda wants no part of having to repeat what the Australians have learnt the hard way. All rabbits have been issued ear tags, and their homes have been routinely stripped of all possessions.

We don’t know what most rabbits own, beyond the shirts on their backs, but Her Imperial Highness, is issuing a FULL PARDON to the Christmas Rabbit, admitting that she had fed the poor creature a bacon sandwich, and “It goes against their nature to eat diets that have any meat in them. So it really was my fault.” Princess Melita Bonaparte has attempted to contact all embassies, all unemployed Bonapartes, and the Windsor family, to be generous and help take in any rabbit that comes from the country of Uganda.

All along it was my fault, confessed The Princess.  I fed her a bacon sandwich, and rabbits don't eat bacon.  I have issued the Christmas Rabbit a full pardon & seek to help her relatives in Uganda find shelter.

“All along it was my fault,” confessed The Princess. “I fed her a bacon sandwich, and rabbits don’t eat bacon. I have issued the Christmas Rabbit a full pardon & seek to help her relatives in Uganda find shelter.”

I won’t send them any of my cutlery, the Princess proclaimed in her annual State of February message–broadcast in 13 languages, starting in one more hour.

“My dear friends, loyal supporters, and dire enemies. We must set aside our differences to now come together to show solidarity for Uganda’s rabbit population. They are being traumatised beyond belief. Please, let us send a message of solidarity for Uganda’s rabbits. They are so much better than their government & deserve to be treated like the sentient beings that they are.”

Princess Melita Bonaparte has attempted to reach Pope Francis about this issue & is willing to help airlift rabbits seeking sanctuary to safety.

“If only the Greek government would restore our family to our rightful place in the order of things, we could invite the Ugandan rabbits to the Tatoi Palace, but it’s so terribly dilapidated, I doubt that they’d be very comfortable there.”

“IF my subjects and bitter enemies have any good suggestions as to what we need to do to approach the Ugandan government about not making everything illegal, please help us.”

"Mi case es su casa," proclaimed Princess Melita Bonaparte of the Tatoit Palace. I hope they can overlook the condition."

“Mi case es su casa,” proclaimed Princess Melita Bonaparte of the Tatoit Palace. I hope they can overlook the condition.”

Princess Melita Bonaparte thought the Ugandan rabbits could eat the vegetation that has taken over the palace.  "They would benefit us in this respect," she was overheard saying.

Princess Melita Bonaparte thought the Ugandan rabbits could eat the vegetation that has taken over the palace. “They would benefit us in this respect,” she was overheard saying.

The government (not a Monarchy, we repeat) of Uganda has erected a fence.  Rabbits on the inside of the fence must fear for their lives.  Those on the outside, looking in,  must understand that they could be on the inside looking out, and not to get too comfortable.

The government (not a Monarchy, we repeat) of Uganda has erected a fence. Rabbits on the inside of the fence must fear for their lives. Those on the outside, looking in, must understand that they could be on the inside looking out, and not to get too comforatble.

“Make no mistake about it: Uganda is the newest Tea Party Colony. Soon they will have Wal-Mart & Boston Baked Beans. It will stink, believe me!”–Princess Melita Bonaparte

“What is a weekend?”–A Letter To Downton Abbey

My Dear Ladyship, Dowager Countess—Downton Abbey, England.

We do hope that the letter intended for the Dowager Countess does not fall into the wrong hands.  Here is where it needs to be posted.

We do hope that the letter intended for the Dowager Countess does not fall into the wrong hands. Here is where it needs to be posted.

Please excuse the intolerably long amount of time it took me to answer your delightfully simple question. I simply don’t have enough weekends in my life to take time to tell you about these things.

You see, Countess, there are usually two days off for working class people, traditionally Saturday & Sunday, that regressive governments & the cultures that support such things, want to take away from those who must earn a living. Later in the history of both our countries, you had Margaret Thatcher & we had Ronald Reagan. Both deplored the concept of being able to enjoy such benefits as time away from work. They were a sordid couple–much worse than George & Martha of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Oh, I am so sorry, that’s well after your time. Let me get back on track here!

As you probably don’t have much to do with staff scheduling, it’s likely that only a calamity would disrupt the day-to-day services that you have come to expect & enjoy.

People do many things for you, and you just are in no position to notice. It’s not your fault. If you had been more properly raised, your parents (if you had any) would have encouraged you to volunteer your time for the benefit of others. Had they done so, they might have seemed revolutionary, or stuck in some other dreary or awkward category. As it seems, you have not been exposed to life lived by the other half, and that’s why the writer of your show is in such a predicament now. He presented you as a one-dimensional character, and that’s all you’ve got to show for it: by asking such dumb questions.

You needed to explore your world a bit more. Princess Marie Bonaparte would be a good example for you, though she’s a bit after your time, she had curiosity, and did break through the Imperial ceiling a bit, saved many Jewish people from death. There were a lot of factors that led her in this direction, but a credible interest in life is a good guess as to what motivated her. Let’s hope your writer grants you that, belatedly, so that the question gets answered to your satisfaction. This may get you a stay of execution. If you want to know what that means, our French history is full of them. Have a nice long chat with your producers, but be nice.

One hint: Those two precious days go by very, very quickly, so don’t squander them!

Yours, Most Sincerely,

Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte.

The Dowager Countess Has A Question. Would you like to help answer it?

Princess Melita Bonaparte has tried to answer the Dowager Countess' question, but fears that there may be other answers out there for her.  Please, by all means, add yours!

Princess Melita Bonaparte has tried to answer the Dowager Countess’ question, but fears that there may be other answers out there for her. Please, by all means, add yours!


Virtues of the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey-From You Tube

Pray For All Marked Souls That They May Be Spared!

It is greatly feared that, 2013, a year of physical attacks upon the Imperial Princess, is just the beginning of a series of Paranormal activities to prevent her from her attempt to help Restore the Greek Monarchy.  Pray for her, that she may not be a Marked Soul!

It is greatly feared that, 2013, a year of physical attacks upon the Imperial Princess, is just the beginning of a series of Paranormal Activities to prevent her from attempting to help Restore the Greek Monarchy. Pray for her, that she may not be a Marked Soul!

Today, this first day of a New Year, 2014, pray for Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte. It is feared that she may be a MARKED SOUL. Two photographs, and a statuette, all of her likeness were left with flowers @ this gravesite, inside the AMC 14 Van Ness Avenue. Please pray for her that no harm may come to her. Pray that she may continue to live to serve others.

What we fear most is the leaving of flowers @ this gravesite. Someone wishes her dead! She has survived a recent attack from a trained elephant, and literally on Christmas Day, the Christmas Rabbit came from out of nowhere, and attempted to kill her. Now, these flowers, beautiful as they are, fill our hearts with fear. Are they a warning sign that she is to be marked, A MARKED SOUL?

She was promised by no less that the Orthodox Metropolitan of the North Pole that her efforts to establish world unity under her benevolent rule would be met with complete joy--but now that joy turns to fear!

She was promised by no less a source than the Orthodox Metropolitan of the North Pole that her efforts to establish world unity under her benevolent rule would be met with complete joy–but now that joy turns to fear!

Her connection to Napoleon I remains complete-her hopes for Greek Monarchy undiminished despite death threats.

Her connection to Napoleon I remains complete-her hopes for Greek Monarchy undiminished despite death threats.

Pray for Princess Melita Bonaparte, as you did for Rosemary's Baby...that she may live to fulfill her Destiny.

Pray for Princess Melita Bonaparte, as you did for Rosemary’s Baby…that she may live to fulfill her Destiny.

PRINCESS READY TO ACCEPT TITLE ‘COUNTESS OF OXNARD’ TO HELP OFFSET IMPENDING HORROR! SHE WILL ACCEPT HER FATE TO SAVE OXNARD FROM THIS TERROR!

Giant Rabbit Hops Princess! Christmas Day Mayhem!

25 December 2013-San Francisco–A giant rabbit, lurking the otherwise peaceful neighbourhood of Masonic Avenue, was released by a Satanic Cult, to spy upon, and ultimately, murder, the newly installed Queen of Alaska & The North Pole, Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte. Less than two weeks ago, when attempting to raise funds for the restoration of the dilapidated Greek Tatoi Palace, the Princess, a living Saint, was attacked by a trained elephant.

“None of the other members of my extensive Bonaparte clan will step forward to help me,” the terrified Princess told us @ the time of press. “I stand alone, single-handedly trying to restore monarchies, Portugal, Italy, Russia, Greece, Ethiopia, Brasil, none of them will lift a finger,” wept the Princess. Even the Turkish people want to return to life under the Eastern Empire, and no one could lead them better than I. But I will not be embittered by this experience. Someone had put something in this poor rabbits lettuce. Why Let Us Alone is my poem for all rabbits, and none of them would think of attacking me, unless under the influence of bad, bad, bad people–I think Sarah Palin is directly responsible, and intend to get to the bottom of this rancid barrel of rot!”-ranted the rattled Princess.

Fortunately, all of this was recorded by FBI Intelligence Officer, Gilbert Pickett, who prevented the near slaughter of the Princess. “It was almost like a ritual,” noted Mr Pickett.

"This giant rabbit, like the kind you see all over Germany, came out of nowhere & started for the kitchen knife.  I thought it was the end," reported Mr Pickett.

“This giant rabbit, like the kind you see all over Germany, came out of nowhere & started for the kitchen knife. I thought it was the end,” reported Mr Pickett.

"The only thing that saved me was my Prayers for Divine Intervention.  I prayed for liquid nitrogen, and I think Batkid must have dropped some though the opened window," explained the devout Princess.

“The only thing that saved me was my Prayers for Divine Intervention. I prayed for liquid nitrogen, and I think Batkid must have dropped some though the opened window,” explained the devout Princess.

It was observed that the rabbit seemed to have a great deal of familiarity with the set up of the apartment of the party host…this simply added layers of confusion to the matter, when conversation drifted to MURDER SHE WROTE…

"Not to worry, I have it all recorded on here," Intelligence Officer Gilbert Pickett reported.

“Not to worry, I have it all recorded on here,” Intelligence Officer Gilbert Pickett reported.

A Doll Named YaYa!-Corn Gourd Doll by M. Miller

For Christmas, a new household member, YaYa, the doll that belonged to the late Princess Antoinette Bonaparte, arrived. She had been missing since the 911 call went out, and later, the Princess was found, her lifeless body providing no clue as to who had done her such harm.

But YaYa is back with us, now. A testimony of the love we all felt for Princess Antoinette, a symbol of the future. YaYa will greet all who gather here.

THE TRAGIC FUNERAL OF PRINCESS ANTOINETTE BONAPARTE EARLIER THIS
YEAR

And now, her beloved YaYa, has been returned–a silent witness to the Memory of Princess Antoinette, whose voice has been forever silenced, but never forgotten.

YaYa, the beloved doll of the brutally murdered Princess Antoinette Bonaparte.  YaYa remains the only witness to what happened to the beloved Antoinette. YaYa will be here to greet everyone with joy & hope for all time.

YaYa, the beloved doll of the brutally murdered Princess Antoinette Bonaparte. YaYa remains the only witness to what happened to the beloved Antoinette. YaYa will be here to greet everyone with joy & hope for all time.

Orthodox Rite Installs Princess Melita Bonaparte as Queen Regnant of Alaska & North Pole

Orthodox Metropolitan, Santa Claus, installs Princess Melita Bonaparte Queen of Alaska & North Pole-22 December 2013

Orthodox Metropolitan, Santa Claus, installs Princess Melita Bonaparte Queen of Alaska & North Pole-22 December 2013

The governance duties willfully & capriciously abandoned by Sarah Palin have now been graciously bestowed upon Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte, by the Orthodox Living Saint & Bishop of All The Northern-most Regions, The Metropolitan, Saint Nicholas, more popularly known further south as Santa Claus.

Word from most known American press sources say that Arizona Senator John McCain, breathed a sigh of relief upon receipt of this news. Others seem to recall him whispering, “Finally, something good had to come of all this sh*t. We may not ordinarily endorse any form of Royalty, but even a retired tilt-a-whirl operator would be a step in the right direction. Melita Bonaparte has my full support & sympathies, if she needs them.”

The historic & symbolic clasping of hands between the Imperial Princess with the Living Legend, Santa Claus, is an Apostolic Ritual, with its earliest recorded origins believed to have been when Cleopatra attempted to pull Marc Antony from her barge in order to escape from Emperor Augustus. Melita Bonaparte claims to be a direct descendent from the last of the Ptolemaic dynasty.

As of today, 22 December 2013–the change of title & regalia will permit the Imperial Princess to be addressed as Her Imperial Majesty in the former State of Alaska, including the North Pole. Her official duties will begin Midnight 1 January 2014. According to sources close to the newly crowned Queen of Alaska, she plans to use her influence to find peaceful means of complete restoration of the Greek Monarchy. “We should rather have the Greek nation have its own Monarchy, I will not be able to manage Alaska & Greece at the same time.”

Will Princess Melita Bonaparte ever be cast as Young Edith Beale?

Young Edith Beale never got very far from Old Edith Beale for very long during her entire life. Grey Gardens became the breeding ground of a relationship from which neither mother nor daughter could emerge either as vanquished or victorious. Their home took on a sort of Sunset Boulevard-Long Island significance. The more they deteriorated & turned inward, the more the 28-room mansion took on aspects of their eccentric lives. The static nature of things, the hold that “Big” Edith had over “Little Edith” is one of the strangest mother-daughter rivalry, love-hate, respect-revulsion relationships ever to have been so extensively recorded in modern times. It has some echoes of Joan & Christina Crawford, a rivalry, but without the viciousness. The Beales were to the manor born. For them, work was a concept about as foreign as inconspicuous consumption was to Joan Crawford. The Beales, socially speaking, had nothing to prove, whereas Joan Crawford had to prove her self-worth with every move she made every moment of every day. The Beales simply let things take their course, without creating schedules or attempting to craft identities based upon ambition. In this respect, the two households were polar opposites. The Beales were charming in a crazed way, while the Crawfords kept busy with axes, either frantically using them in the garden, or grinding them for recorded history. The House of Crawford was wax, cold & brittle. The House of Beale, just needed some repairs, but their was love was within the dilapidation, sometimes crazy, but always genuine.

The American Dervish, Princess Melita Bonaparte dances not the Dance of the Seven Veils, but the grotesque March of Dysfunction, choreographed by Edith Beale, Jr.

The Imperial Dervish, Princess Melita Bonaparte dances not the Dance of the Seven Veils, but the grotesque March of Dysfunction, choreographed by Edith Beale, Jr.

Had they not been related to the once-ubiquitous Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis, it’s likely that they would have become anonymous wards of the New York. In 1975, their static status was forever changed. Newspapers (this was before digital Social Media) headlined stories that outlined the grim & grotesque squalour into which their dysfunction had plunged them. Nearby residents took the matter of the filth & stench emanating from the mansion to the local Public Health Department & the Maysles Brothers, following their instinct, knew they had discovered a unique story, if they could obtain the permission & co-operation of the women Beale. With their simple documentary, going in-depth behind the news headlines, the Maysles unintentionally became the architects of a new set of anti-hero in American urban-celebrity folklore: The Edith Beales of their masterpiece: Grey Gardens.

Drifting, clinging, out of desperation,  from one icon to another:  Her Imperial Highness, Princess Melita Bonaparte, Mother of Peaches Christ, as Young Edith Beale 12 October 2013--

Drifting, clinging, out of desperation from one icon to another: Her Imperial Highness, Princess Melita Bonaparte, Mother of Peaches Christ, as Young Edith Beale 12 October 2013–


Considering the squalour in which they lived, the documentary was amazing in terms of costumes. They had more costume changes than Diana Ross does in her one hour & fifteen minutes of over-priced concerts. At least Grey Gardens does give you some bang for your fashion dollar– in ways that only Young Edith Beale could have imagined. It’s just possible these might have inspired Martha Stewart somewhere along in her career of making practical fashion from the least likely sources. Truly, Young Edith was not really in a time warp, she simply was ahead of the times, by choosing the path least taken. And that has made all the difference, don’t you think?

“You can always take off the skirt & use it as a cape.”HBO 2009 Featuring Drew Barrymore & Jessica Lange as the Edith Beales
2009

And as they were, Edith & Edith, the legacy produced by the Maysles Brothers, Grey Gardens, The Tatoi Palace of Long Island.

Grey Gardens, Like Many Other Camp-destined Productions, Took On A Life Of Its Own–You Tube of The Musical Version–STAUNCH!

Princess Melita Bonaparte auditions for "Little" Edith Beale, hoping to become a 'working princess' who can become an actress/writer/model/psychoanalyst/escort.  We only report what she tells us.

Princess Melita Bonaparte auditions for “Little” Edith Beale, hoping to become a ‘working princess’ who can become an actress/writer/model/psychoanalyst/escort. We only report what she tells us. Photograph by Steve Han.

Nearsighted With Insight: Edith Beale as Interpreted by Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte. Photograph from Peaches Christ’s Facebook & Divine Intervention

Edith was too beautiful for glasses, but wanted to see things close up.  She had a knack for inventive workarounds for such annoyances as being nearsighted.  Last minute purchase of magnifying glass by grace of Cliff's Variety Store

Edith Beale was too beautiful for glasses, but wanted to see things close up. She had a knack for inventive workarounds for such annoyances as being nearsighted. Last minute purchase of magnifying glass by grace of Cliff’s Variety Store 479 Castro Street, San Francisco.