Princess Melita Bonaparte: The New Hot Cop of The Castro

The soon-to-be released motion picture about Officer Chris Kohr, The Hot Cop of the Castro will be played by Her Imperial Highness, Princess Melita Bonaparte. Princess Melita did a screen test today, and it went far beyond expectations. “Of course, I cannot divulge much information at this time, but I am so very excited to be offered the part…it was a joy that Paramount employees were not calling me asking about my car!” enthused the ebullient Princess.

When asked about playing the part of a man, she replied, “I am a natural, just like Marlene Dietrich was. Who else has the versatility to play so many interesting roles?”

At that, we let it rest. But she insisted, “I will at last get the Oscar for this part, I deserve it.”

So, to the world out there hungry for any celebrity news, this is the latest.

Princess Melita Bonaparte, of the Imperial Line, will play a San Francisco Police Officer–and the name of the film we asked. The Princess responded, “IN THE ORANGE LINE OF DUTY.” We think Lasse Hallström has agreed to direct. But we forgot to ask him. We hope that The Castro Theatre will premiere it for us.

Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte is ecstatic to be cast in the newest biopic soon-to-be released (as soon as they come up with a script & director) IN THE ORANGE LINE OF DUTY-about the trials of being officer Chris Kohr, and the transition from being unknown to becoming an international icon.  The part was tailor made for the Bonaparte Princess.

Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte is ecstatic to be cast in the newest biopic soon-to-be released (as soon as they come up with a script & director) IN THE ORANGE LINE OF DUTY-about the trials of being officer Chris Kohr, and the transition from being unknown to becoming an international icon. The part was tailor made for the Bonaparte Princess.

INSTAGRAM DOES NOT LIKE THIS JEWELRY!

We are tougher than the Marines & we are ready for action!  Thanks to William Lustig & JesseHawthorneFicks--We are MANiAC COPS!

We are tougher than the Marines & we are ready for action! Thanks to William Lustig & JesseHawthorneFicks–We are MANiAC COPS! Princess Melita Bonaparte, the most beautiful woman in the world, is passionately committed to doing the work that only #ManiacCops can do, & has volunteer to arrest people for breathing, or if they just look suspicious.

So, I will post it the old way. I have a new set of bracelets just for #JessieHawthorneFicks & #WilliamLustig ….They are my Tiffany Specials. There seems to a need, per the news papers for new cops. Well, will be out there in force–all the #ManicacCops you could ever possibly need. We got to keep order in this town, you know! See us tomorrow @ the #YerbaBuenaCenter! Be there yourself, if you know what’s good for you!

The True Fact: Princess Melita Bonaparte is ABOVE Such Problems

Common people have stink problems & Her Imperial Highness does see the need for government assistance, and has appealed to all Royal Houses of Europe, Africa, Asia, and Greenland to help those who stink.

“I know nothing of such matters, myself, but feel obligated to help those who do,” the Imperial Princess told us at press time.

“This might be the key to world peace, and I am willing to give it a try. Thus far, all other efforts have stank, and I think there ought to be a better way of doing business.” With that, we have now heard from Princess Melita Bonaparte.

Always ahead of the Game of Thrones, sound advise about smelly politics from one who is above such matters--Princess Melita Bonaparte, The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

Always ahead of the Game of Thrones, sound advise about smelly politics from one who is above such matters–Princess Melita Bonaparte, The Most Beautiful Woman in the World.

And now, a word from Her Sponsors:

You Tube About How to Rid the World of Stink

Sweet, tiny, innocent worm…No One Likes Baby Worm-worm? Awwwhhh!

The most adorable & sweet baby worm & everyone wants to hurt the tiny thing! My sweet pet, I named it Moe Moe. Save The Worm Foundation Welcomes You, Moe Moe!

It won’t hate you. It won’t make promises it can’t keep. It won’t demand keys to the car every Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, … You have to see the love, feel the love….

You Tube of Beloved Moe Moe–Tiny, baby worm…..

BRICK MANSIONS–SITTING EMPTY

The death of actor Paul Walker was tragic & heart rending. He seemed to have evoke the quality of being “nice.” This is a trait that is often abandoned when a certain level of success is reached. Fame & fortune can mess things us up–both for those who have it, and for those who don’t. It can be an oil & water combination, one that might work on salad, but makes the streets of life way too slick for safe travel.

BRICK MANSIONS is an action film. I went understanding that this was not going to be any great competition for either William Shakespeare or Tennessee Williams. But I did have some hope that it might have some of the James Bond or Arnold Schwarzenegger deadpan one liners, or some irony that would serve a purpose. It did not. I can’t quite keep up with the linguistic eloquence of San Francisco Chronicle film critic Mick La Salle, but he got it right. It was one pointless fight scene after another. The man who played ‘the con’ (David Belle) came closest to being an interesting human. He had terrific looks, but, more importantly, he had a motivation, protecting his wife from harm. He was convincing, and that small touch of human interest was about the only thing I carried away with me once the closing credits started rolling. To nod off during an action film? Sure did. It was a sad way to say ‘Goodbye’ to one who had potential to expand to other areas. Being sealed into chase/fight scenes may be lucrative, but not memorable.

It was very decent & kind that the film editors did offer a visual Requiem for Paul Walker at the film’s end.

A symbol of hope for BRICK MANSIONS--both in Detroit, Michigan & Galena, Kansas.

A symbol of hope for BRICK MANSIONS–both in Detroit, Michigan & Galena, Kansas.



You Tube Trailer For BRICK MANSIONS

“I DEMAND TOTAL SILENCE FROM THE QUIET ONES”–Princess Melita Bonaparte

“Noise. Noise. Noise. Everyone makes noise, but no one says anything,” grumped Princess Melita Bonaparte. I heard too much noise today & am in a bad mood. If I am in a bad mood, you need to go into hiding!”

With that, we see that Mt. Vesuvius has put us on notice.

But wait, there’s hope. Her Imperial Highness had a photo-shoot today, and nothing pleases her or calms her down like the flash of light that comes from “Just one more, please, Your Highness.” Her mood lifted considerably. And she permitted Easter to be celebrated.

But, be careful! This happy time might not last too long. She thought she was going to get the part, and that the photo-shoot was being done to announce her being cast in the about-to-be shown film. How can we approach her & tell her that this is another done deal?

Who is willing to die for art?

Poster for The Quiet Ones @ Market/Church Street MUNI Stations, San Francisco.  How do we tell Her Imperial Highness that she did not get the part?

Poster for The Quiet Ones @ Market/Church Street MUNI Stations, San Francisco. How do we tell Her Imperial Highness that she did not get the part?


You Tube From The Quiet Ones

Princess Melita Bonaparte is in a snit. “They clearly indicate that this is based upon real events. The real events were taken directly from my childhood. And I remember when college professors thought it their duty to smoke all during their classes,” coughed the despairing Princess.

“Let me show you who should have been cast in the lead role.”–Princess Melita

"Now, can there be any doubt that I was entitled by my training to play this part?"--Princess Melita Bonaparte

“Now, can there be any doubt that I was entitled by my training to play this part?”–Princess Melita Bonaparte

“I die for art every time a part that should go to me is given to someone else.”–Princess Melita Bonaparte. Her surname seems to make more sense as time goes on…

"My torments in this life can only add more to any role I play," said the Princess

“My torments in this life can only add more to any role I play,” said the Princess

Princess Melita Bonaparte: “I bring real horror to life, and live it on a daily basis.”

"I invent google glasses & they take that away from me. I pick up trash from the streets, and they accuse me of being the one littering.  They take & take & take--I can only suffer..Someday, the Greek government will thank me for my efforts in Restoration of their Monarchy!  Till then, I die for my art."

“I invent google glasses & they take that away from me. I pick up trash from the streets, and they accuse me of being the one littering. They take & take & take–I can only suffer..Someday, the Greek government will thank me for my efforts in Restoration of their Monarchy! Till then, I die for my art.”

INVENTOR OF GOOGLE GLASSES PASSES CLASSES

The real inventor of google glasses is Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte. “I invent many things, and make up stuff as I go along. I can’t keep up with all my ideas, so I use my newest invention to take ideas from other people and call their ideas my ideas. It makes taking classes easier, and I get perfect scores on all my tests. It makes managing people easier. They do all of the work, I take credit when the work is good give free doses of Hell when the work is bad! I know that my Most Loyal Subjects like this. They are able to feel that they are part of the governing system. Plus they learn to play by my rules, which change constantly, so they never can be as smart as I am. I am always the smartest little girl in the room and I always have the last word. I am Royal over everybody and I plan to keep it that way. ”

The Princess explained the design process. “I had the lenses of the super glasses imported from The Netherlands, made by direct descendants of Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. That family always did what my family told them to do. This assured me of having the very best. I plan to take over the Dutch throne, but need time to resolve problems in Greece, Portugal, Egypt, Russia, and Italy, before going Dutch! With all this pressure, you can understand why I need to be able to tap into information at all times without appearing to be nosy. I am sort of my own James Bond film, just with fewer action scenes. I let doubles and body guards do all the scary stuff,” the Princess casually mentioned as of this writing. “People don’t want me to take needless risks. My subjects demand to be ruled with common sense. To that end, I must set high standards of safety. So, I can hardly be expected to do my own stunts.”
So, here they are: Goo-Goo Glasses. Sleekly designed so that no one will have a clue that there is a Royal spy in their midst. No place, public or private, will be able to escape detection. “It’s for their own safety. I am doing this for the people, to help them. It is for their own good,” huffed an indignant Melita. “How can anyone NOT like this perfect use of technology? It is for their protection. Everything I do is for the benefit of others.”

Princess Melita Bonaparte, fears that legal problems will get nasty as she continues to claim to be the inventor of google glasses.  I renamed them goo-goo glasses to keep it from being a nasty legal mess," she explained.

Princess Melita Bonaparte hopes to avoid legal problems as she continues to claim to be the inventor of google glasses. “I renamed them Goo-Goo Glasses to keep it from being a nasty, legal mess,” she explained.

Few Monarchs have invented themselves as well as new gadgets, the way Princess Melita Bonaparte has.  She remains constantly engaged in all forms of technology.

Few Monarchs have invented themselves as well as new gadgets, the way Princess Melita Bonaparte has. She remains constantly engaged in all forms of technology. She tells us that people will make passes at Royals in glasses.

“What is a weekend?”–A Letter To Downton Abbey

My Dear Ladyship, Dowager Countess—Downton Abbey, England.

We do hope that the letter intended for the Dowager Countess does not fall into the wrong hands.  Here is where it needs to be posted.

We do hope that the letter intended for the Dowager Countess does not fall into the wrong hands. Here is where it needs to be posted.

Please excuse the intolerably long amount of time it took me to answer your delightfully simple question. I simply don’t have enough weekends in my life to take time to tell you about these things.

You see, Countess, there are usually two days off for working class people, traditionally Saturday & Sunday, that regressive governments & the cultures that support such things, want to take away from those who must earn a living. Later in the history of both our countries, you had Margaret Thatcher & we had Ronald Reagan. Both deplored the concept of being able to enjoy such benefits as time away from work. They were a sordid couple–much worse than George & Martha of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. Oh, I am so sorry, that’s well after your time. Let me get back on track here!

As you probably don’t have much to do with staff scheduling, it’s likely that only a calamity would disrupt the day-to-day services that you have come to expect & enjoy.

People do many things for you, and you just are in no position to notice. It’s not your fault. If you had been more properly raised, your parents (if you had any) would have encouraged you to volunteer your time for the benefit of others. Had they done so, they might have seemed revolutionary, or stuck in some other dreary or awkward category. As it seems, you have not been exposed to life lived by the other half, and that’s why the writer of your show is in such a predicament now. He presented you as a one-dimensional character, and that’s all you’ve got to show for it: by asking such dumb questions.

You needed to explore your world a bit more. Princess Marie Bonaparte would be a good example for you, though she’s a bit after your time, she had curiosity, and did break through the Imperial ceiling a bit, saved many Jewish people from death. There were a lot of factors that led her in this direction, but a credible interest in life is a good guess as to what motivated her. Let’s hope your writer grants you that, belatedly, so that the question gets answered to your satisfaction. This may get you a stay of execution. If you want to know what that means, our French history is full of them. Have a nice long chat with your producers, but be nice.

One hint: Those two precious days go by very, very quickly, so don’t squander them!

Yours, Most Sincerely,

Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte.

The Dowager Countess Has A Question. Would you like to help answer it?

Princess Melita Bonaparte has tried to answer the Dowager Countess' question, but fears that there may be other answers out there for her.  Please, by all means, add yours!

Princess Melita Bonaparte has tried to answer the Dowager Countess’ question, but fears that there may be other answers out there for her. Please, by all means, add yours!


Virtues of the Dowager Countess of Downton Abbey-From You Tube

Captain Spaulding Look-alike Ranks Up Ladder of Success!

Now Captain Spaulding, like his counterpart, Princess Melita Bonaparte, is taking over America–He is just like a stealth bomb–wants all the tax money & none of the bother. “I don’t want to have to work for a living, I don’t go ’round putting rubber chemicals in bread, and I don’t take dogs inside of restaurants, hospitals, or welfare agencies, so why shouldn’t I get all the money & fame I want?” He pouts like this all the time, and the best thing is just to run the opposite direction when you see him posing in front of pre-dumpster disposal art. But look how wonderful those doomed displays are! That must be part of the poetry of pre-Dumpster detritus. It’s splendid one day & rotting in AMC Dumpsters the very next day! Captain Spaulding is joining forces with Princess Melita Bonaparte in an effort to protect this highly dismissed & unprotected legacy of our culture.

“I just want Paramount to stop calling me about my car. I don’t have a car. Put me in a blockbuster film, and everyone will be happy as a foot long Subway sandwich!”

If only Captain Spaulding would stop digressing & write a dissertation about this art work not being taken seriously by the film industry, maybe he’d get a trip to Stockholm out of the deal, and Princess Melita Bonaparte would get her grave back & she could haunt it happily ever after.

We just have to clam up on that one. It looks as if someone glued a Subway Footlong on Captain Spaulding’s head & he didn’t get it. Poor thing!

If you can’t get Captain Spaulding’s look-alike out of your mind, contact Paramount Studios. Tell them to bring back the Studio System, give him a ten picture contract & all will be well with the world.

A VOTE FOR CAPTAIN SPAULDING LOOK-ALIKE IS A VOTE FOR AMERICA!

This Captain Spaulding look-alike may creep you out, but he is the hope of America & for a world United against taking cinema promotional art & sticking in into a dumpster.  "No more Dumpster Babies made of cardboard," he implores.  Call Paramount-put me in pictures!"

This Captain Spaulding look-alike may creep you out, but he is the hope of America & for a world United against taking cinema promotional art & sticking in into a dumpster. “No more Dumpster Babies made of cardboard,” he implores. “Call Paramount-put me in pictures!”

Let us do everything we can to help Captain America!

Here is proof that the Captain Spaulding look-alike does his part to help Captain America!

"If I can't get into pictures, I'll answer the want ads," says the Captain Spaulding Look-alike. "I just want to do my part for Captain America."

“If I can’t get into pictures, I’ll answer the want ads,” says the Captain Spaulding Look-alike. “I just want to do my part for Captain America.”

CAPTAIN SPAULDING IS MORE THAN A CARDBOARD DECORATION WAITING TO BE DUMPED!

Can you help Captain Spaulding stand up for Film Promotional Art?  Can you keep him from ending in the Dumpster @ 1000 Van Ness Avenue?  Can  film promotional art be saved?  Maybe the Greek Monarchy can help us?

Can you help Captain Spaulding stand up for Film Promotional Art? Can you keep him from ending up rotting in the Dumpster @ 1000 Van Ness Avenue? Can film promotional art be saved? Maybe the Greek Monarchy can help us?

Site of the Missing Grave For Paranormal activities–gone, gone, gone

Site of the missing grave for Paranormal Activities--taken away before the film had even completed its theatrical release & tossed in the dumpster!  What a loss for film fans!

Site of the missing grave for Paranormal Activities–taken away before the film had even completed its theatrical release & tossed in the dumpster! What a loss for film fans!


Captain Spaulding was created by Rob Zombie, who makes films. His look-a-like wears a costume courtesy of Spirit Halloween Costume Stores, and his graven image is due to the technology of Dreambox.

“I have been sworn to protect the Royal Bloodline with my life.”–VAMPIRE ACADEMY-In worse shape than City College of San Francisco-Needs New Board of Directors or Fresh Blood!

“Of course, this line was my motto & everyone knows this,” says Princess Melita Bonaparte

See, it is the Family Motto: Ego levavi manum meam ut praesidium regium et cum sanguine vitam.

Even advertising on the side of Westfield Centre couldn't keep this Titanic on course.  The plot line was too confusing & the dialogue was splattered with endless chatter that added very little to map out who was going where.  It had potential to be funny and/or make a statement.  Unfortunately, it did neither & sank without benefit of iceberg.  There were no life boat for this one @ all!  The 'standee' art work was better than the film!

Even advertising on the glass doors of Westfield Centre couldn’t keep this Titanic on course or lure passengers to their death by being comatose with boredom. The plot line was too confusing & the dialogue was splattered with endless chatter that added very little to map out who was going where. It was even more muddled to have an exclusive Vampire boarding school with Euro Royalty that had no connection to the plot. It had potential to be funny and/or make a statement. Unfortunately, it did neither & sank without benefit of an iceberg. There were no life boats for this one @ all! The ‘standee’ art work was better than the film!

You Tube of Princess Melita Bonaparte’s Boarding School-Vampire Academy! She was at the bottom of her class! She was always a bottom feeder & her teeth prove it!

Princess Melita Bonaparte barely made her grades @ Vampire Academy! The deans were ready to expel Her Imperial Ineptness when, all of a sudden, she made it to the very top of her class-and was graduated summa cum laude. It stunned her classmates, they knew she had cheated on all of her examinations. Like Richard Nixon (long before he became famous, actually did this, a sort of foreshadowing of a caper to come later in his career), she broke into the professor’s office & pilfered through the files, using tons of liquid paper to change rows and rows of “F”s to “A”s-she was able to pull off a feat nearly as astonishing as Carrie White winning the Prom Queen title.

From the bottom of her class, now to the top of the world. She is the new Oprah!

But: There was The Vampire Manifesto, written entirely by her–& dedicated to Valerie Solanas & Patrick Stewart.

“Dental rights for Vampires”–and “Blood Safe For Vampires Is Good For The Bloody World” made headline articles in the New England Journal Of Medicine & People Magazine. She provided expert economic analysis that defied refutation at all levels, proving that what was good for vampires would lead to exponential economic growth, unparalleled in world history. Every small town in the Middle West would have two, (not just one) Wal-Mart’s. Princess Melita demands FREEDOM OF CHOICE, as long as it is what SHE wants. She is just perfect to be a middle manager as well as being Empress of the Universe! To this date, she is being considered for the Order of Charlemagne (for protecting blood lines), the Pulitzer Prize (for fiction) and the Nobel Peace Prize (for human rights for vampires)! There is no end to her accomplishments & her proposals are being adopted by the FDA without corporate payoffs or the formation of any PACs. A Postal Zip code is being considered for her personal use. She demanded good service & still wants the Post Office to send her the DVDs she sent to Dorothy Malone’s agent to be autographed , who kept them & did nothing with them. She contacted the FBI, Senator Diane Feinstein, and they did nothing! The London School of Economics is creating a chair, just for her use–so that her blood supply won’t be stale. President Obama plans immediate action to add her list of dental hygiene suggestions to Obamacare. Popular acclaim for the Imperial Princess may threaten Hillary Clinton’s chances of being the first woman president. “It’s fine, I can wait another 8 years,” Mrs Clinton has been heard muttering under her breath. “Pour être le premier président avec un titre impérial et royal est un noble objectif,” proclaims the Princess, under her breath. It’s a good day for Listerine!

“One little bite for a man, one meal for mankind,” Princess Melita said in a recent telecast from Moon. She went there without a passport, and is wondering now, was this a set-up?

I want Universal Vampire Rights & Access to Health Care–she demands! Plus, we have ‘special needs’ vampires, those who cannot reach taller people. She is placing a special request for step stools to the Carpenter’s Union, and asking that Miss Manners devote an entire column to explain proper etiquette for tall people with long necks who encounter hungry vampires who are short. “Kindness to vampires will be it’s own reward,” we are being told.

Will Ben & Jerry come up with a new ice cream flavour? Will all new cars be blood-red?

Princess Melita Bonaparte was graduated from Vampire Academy summa cum laude.

Princess Melita Bonaparte was graduated from Vampire Academy summa cum laude.

Post Graduation Celebration @ Mel’s Diner–just steps away from her film debut!

"I sweated Blood for this degree of frustration," says Her Imperial Highness.  "Now 1000 Van Ness has tossed my Alma Mater in their dumpster!  Celebrating @ Mel's--summa cum laude!

I sweated Blood for this degree of frustration,” says Her Imperial Highness. “Now 1000 Van Ness has tossed my Alma Mater in their dumpster! Celebrating @ Mel’s–summa cum laude!

“I will do my best to protect Film Inspired Art from being tossed into the dumpster @ 1000 Van Ness & I will do my best to restore the Greek Monarchy,” promises the Imperial One.