Happy Grey Gardens From the 4th of July? No, Happy 4th of July From Grey Gardens!

Princess Melita Bonaparte was so heart broken last year that she was unable to write a note. You see, she did not get the part of Edith Beale, Jr. in RETURN TO GREY GARDENS. So, she got even. She learned how to shoot poison darts, got the neck of the person who did get the part, and jumped into costume, and did the entire thing, and pushed her back on stage when it came time for the applause. “I am an anesthesiologist by training, and know to the second, how long my competition (not that I really have any) will be out. I have done this to Kathleen Turner, when I wanted to play Who’s Afraid Of Virgina Woolf, several years ago. She never knew the difference. Snapped right out of it, commenting on how fast the time seemed to have flown, and I got to do my part. She never figured out the tiny bruise on the side of her neck.”

So that’s how Princess Melita Bonaparte gets to take over leading roles & keep her name off eye-level Safeway magazines! Her secret is out. We asked her if Lindsay Lohan is safe? “Oh, I wouldn’t touch her! You see, she is utterly without peer, besides that, there could be interaction with all the other stuff she might have going on, and I would hate to think I caused zombieism. You see, even with my skill level, I need to know exactly what other medicines might be interacting with my own special recipe. I can’t take that chance with her. And now, she is suing GRAND THEFT AUTO for using what she says is her image without her permission! Why, I wouldn’t dare attempt this with Lindsay Lohan. I could lose my reputation.”

Edith Bouvier Beale, Jr–Does Her American Flag Dance–Direct From Grey Gardens! 1975!

Grey Gardens Costuming as Re-enacted by Drew Barrymore

What could be more All American than Princess Melita Bonaparte, of the Imperial Line, posed with the Special Shield especially lent to her by the ever gracious Captain America? He has sworn eternal allegiance to her. She takes much joy in adding him to her many millions of Loyal Followers.

“Keeping the Red, White, and Blue, that’s the thing…”–Princess Melita Bonaparte

Her Imperial Highness, Princess Melita Bonaparte, as she took the stage as Edith Bouvier Beale, Jr., with the highly acclaimed American Flag Dance, choreography (she claims) by June Taylor. Happy 4th of July!

Captain Spaulding Look-alike Ranks Up Ladder of Success!

Now Captain Spaulding, like his counterpart, Princess Melita Bonaparte, is taking over America–He is just like a stealth bomb–wants all the tax money & none of the bother. “I don’t want to have to work for a living, I don’t go ’round putting rubber chemicals in bread, and I don’t take dogs inside of restaurants, hospitals, or welfare agencies, so why shouldn’t I get all the money & fame I want?” He pouts like this all the time, and the best thing is just to run the opposite direction when you see him posing in front of pre-dumpster disposal art. But look how wonderful those doomed displays are! That must be part of the poetry of pre-Dumpster detritus. It’s splendid one day & rotting in AMC Dumpsters the very next day! Captain Spaulding is joining forces with Princess Melita Bonaparte in an effort to protect this highly dismissed & unprotected legacy of our culture.

“I just want Paramount to stop calling me about my car. I don’t have a car. Put me in a blockbuster film, and everyone will be happy as a foot long Subway sandwich!”

If only Captain Spaulding would stop digressing & write a dissertation about this art work not being taken seriously by the film industry, maybe he’d get a trip to Stockholm out of the deal, and Princess Melita Bonaparte would get her grave back & she could haunt it happily ever after.

We just have to clam up on that one. It looks as if someone glued a Subway Footlong on Captain Spaulding’s head & he didn’t get it. Poor thing!

If you can’t get Captain Spaulding’s look-alike out of your mind, contact Paramount Studios. Tell them to bring back the Studio System, give him a ten picture contract & all will be well with the world.

A VOTE FOR CAPTAIN SPAULDING LOOK-ALIKE IS A VOTE FOR AMERICA!

This Captain Spaulding look-alike may creep you out, but he is the hope of America & for a world United against taking cinema promotional art & sticking in into a dumpster. “No more Dumpster Babies made of cardboard,” he implores. “Call Paramount-put me in pictures!”

Let us do everything we can to help Captain America!

Here is proof that the Captain Spaulding look-alike does his part to help Captain America!

“If I can’t get into pictures, I’ll answer the want ads,” says the Captain Spaulding Look-alike. “I just want to do my part for Captain America.”

CAPTAIN SPAULDING IS MORE THAN A CARDBOARD DECORATION WAITING TO BE DUMPED!

Can you help Captain Spaulding stand up for Film Promotional Art? Can you keep him from ending up rotting in the Dumpster @ 1000 Van Ness Avenue? Can film promotional art be saved? Maybe the Greek Monarchy can help us?

Site of the Missing Grave For Paranormal activities–gone, gone, gone

Site of the missing grave for Paranormal Activities–taken away before the film had even completed its theatrical release & tossed in the dumpster! What a loss for film fans!

Captain Spaulding was created by Rob Zombie, who makes films. His look-a-like wears a costume courtesy of Spirit Halloween Costume Stores, and his graven image is due to the technology of Dreambox.