SERENE BONAPARTE IMPERIOUSLY PULLS RANK & FEEDS PUPPETS

Her Serene Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte sent out signals that went through a kitchen blender with her flurry of Royal duties today. Shortly after tending to her inner product placement child (Pop Tarts, Philadelphia Cream Cheese, and Kitchenaid Toaster, all printed out by her command in BOLDFACE), she decided that she would not allow her Terracotta Soldiers, domiciled @ San Francisco’s Asian Art Museum any sort of Sabbath, and insisted on a formal troop review during their day of rest. “God keeps going 24/7 & so do I,” she has reportedly said when questioned about her invasive & insensitive attitude towards people having time away from work. In our view, she makes Margaret Thatcher seem like a Sunday school teacher.

Not surprisingly, one of the drafted men caught her eye, not even a full week after exchanging vows with The Burger King! The poor soldier, under orders, was required to submit to her micromanaging method of inspection. Typically, she cut right through her very own chainsaw of command, and marched directly to the Infantry Division.

Containing himself with composure fit for a king, a Terracotta Warrior is later "at ease" with his beloved Princess.  Containing himself with composure fit for a king, a Terracotta Warrior is later “at ease” with his beloved Princess.

Not content with being the iron fist in velvet gloves, the Bonaparte Princess insisted upon theatre arts & felt drawn to a Powell Street Station-based busker, inspired, no doubt by the Henson Muppet Family. Ever & always graciously, Her Serene Highness fed the puppets, learning that a University Team of Students were attempting to film a documentary about San Francisco Street Theatre. Never one to be upstaged by the Truth, the Princess informed them, “All San Francisco Street Theatre exists as a tribute to my benevolence, as a patroness of the arts. All are inspired by my example, by my every move, my every thought. They want me to have all of the available money at my disposal, they adore paying higher taxes & giving up basic necessities for my being able to wear the finest in clothing & jewelry at all times. They expect nothing less for me & from me.”

All we could do was report what we thought we heard, not being able to comprehend that she really was 100% serious about this self deification process.

There is no doubt within the mind of Princess Melita Bonaparte, that she is the new Eva Peron--she expects Sainthood before she dies, planning, as she says, "To enjoy it now & live forever & the hearts of all my people." There is no doubt within the mind of Princess Melita Bonaparte, that she is the new Eva Peron–she expects Sainthood before she dies, planning, as she says, “To enjoy it now & live forever & in the hearts of all my people.”

Princess Melita Bonaparte Shares Her Pop Tart Recipe With The World

Her Serene Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte, unselfishly shares her most splendid way of serving nutritional benefits via her Kellogg’s unfrosted, strawberry Pop Tarts recipe. She uses a family heirloom Kitchenaid toaster, a knife, and a simple brown plate, a gift to her from the children of Monaco. She opens the foil wrapping of the Pop Tarts, takes each Pop Tart & places them in a very royal manner in the toaster. While they are heating, she cuts 4 small slices of Kraft Philadelphia Original Cream Cheese. After the Pop Tarts come out of the toaster from their initial heating, she burns her hand, one completely falls apart, but her sense of royal duty, noblesse oblige, and sheer will to share her goodness with the world prevail, and she more fully explains how, by placing the Pop Tarts adorned with the slices of Philadelphia Cream Cheese, that the additional toasting time allows the flavours to meld & the cheese to soften.

When done, she is unable to taste them before the camera, but always wishes her millions of fans & followers world-wide, Bon Appetit!

Remember, not to watch this at work, she warns you that you should be working. And if you are on a cellular telephone, to let the next bus come by as watching this is more important than getting to your destination!